Vol. 1, No. 17 — If you’ve interacted with any Europeans, you may have found them a bit on the rude side. When this topic comes up among friends here, the Europeans usually feel Americans come across as fake. So, who is right and who is wrong? I’ll hedge and say everyone and no one. If you’re an American in Europe, you might come across as fake but what you’re doing is being polite. If you’re a European in the US, you might come across as rude but what you’re doing is being direct.
These two expectations in society, politeness and directness, are at odds with each other. Growing up in South Dakota, it was most certainly politeness that won out. Suddenly living in a place where directness takes a front seat is disorienting.
When I first moved to Germany, I was living with an exchange student who I had met stateside. While out with his friends, all Germans, someone asked if we should stop by a gas station and grab snacks. I didn’t understand a thing. He translated for me and said “Do you want to get something over there?” My response was something like “If we’re going to stop, something to drink wouldn’t kill me.” When they passed by without stopping, I was surprised. I had sent such a clear signal that I wanted to stop, right?
These types of exchanges went on without comment for a few days before he finally said “Hey, if it’s a yes, it’s a yes. If it’s no, it’s no. No problem. I asked what you want, so just tell me.” This is basically what it boils down to in Europe. Tell me what you think; don’t make me decipher it.
A few months down the road at a backyard barbecue, the host asked me if I’d like him to make another bratwurst. I simply answered “yes, please” and that was that. German logic and order. Questions and answers. It kind of does make sense.
People in Basque Country are also quite direct. Within your own family, it’s fair game to comment negatively on the meal being served. The first time I witnessed this, my father-in-law had asked us what we thought of a particular dish. Someone piped up immediately and said, “It’s too salty.”
While I wasn’t concerned that this might start an incident or anything, I was taken aback. However, I was more surprised by my father-in-law’s reaction, which was one of curiosity. He talked about the last time he had prepared the meal and if he’d done anything differently. Someone else chimed in that it seemed almost the same to them. The idea was floated that maybe it was because of the different drinks we were having with the meal.
He’d wanted to know how the food tasted. Some honest feedback was given. He considered it useful and thought about what it meant. The same thing couldn’t happen if he took the feedback too personally or if everyone just said “Oh, this is delicious!”
After being here for so many years, I’ve certainly been influenced by this approach. Whereas before I might have declined a concert invite by inventing an excuse, now I’m more likely to simply say “That band isn’t really my thing.”
One area where politeness and directness have impacted me professionally is meetings. In the Midwest, showing up to a meeting a bit early is on time. That’s polite. In Europe, showing up early is rude.
My favorite anecdote about politeness and directness and meetings in Germany has to be from a German friend. He was working at a German company that had some US investors visiting. His boss had learned that some “small talk” was customary at the beginning of meetings in the US. Wanting to be polite, he made sure to not jump right into business. As the printed meeting agenda was handed to everyone shuffling in, sure enough, right at the top, was the first item: “9:00 to 9:05 – small talk.”
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