Vol. 1, No. 14 — “The most important meal of the day” is the mantra I learned growing up in South Dakota. A quite discordant message in the ’80s and ’90s when it was plastered onto the side of every colorful box of sugar clumps with a mascot. The standard disclaimer being “as part of a balanced breakfast” was equally comical in that all those wonderful breakfasts depicted in the ads would have been healthier if the cereal were simply thrown out the window.
But that’s not the breakfast I’m talking about here. I’m talking about Shorty’s breakfast1. A breakfast where you order the whole page: two eggs, ham, hash browns with cheese, and toast. This was definitely the most important meal of the day for me on select Saturdays growing up.
I quickly learned in Europe that such a breakfast is not easy to find, at least not before noon. The closest analog I’ve found here is in England. But like most things British, it’s similar but just different enough to feel like there may be a hidden camera waiting to capture your reaction.
At a hotel in London, I skimmed the breakfast menu and thought I had found a taste of home. When it arrived, I found my eggs sunny side up and surrounded by baked bean juice. Two fried tomato slices had soaked the potatoes. I picked up a piece of toast and found chunks of blood sausage hiding beneath. So close.
German breakfast is straightforward and pretty enjoyable. You will see a basket of fresh hard rolls and a bunch of sweet and salty toppings. Pick up a crusty bread bun, saw it open, and put on some sliced meat or cheese, or spread some jelly or Nutella. Mixing toppings is allowed but does take some explanation to your hosts as this may be considered explosively experimental.
While living there, I bought a breakfast sandwich at a little stand three or four days a week on my way to work. Each time they asked “meat or cheese” and I responded “meat and cheese.” Each time they’d ask if I wanted two sandwiches. No, I want one sandwich with two toppings. The same set of workers, same conversation, same grimace of agreement to my radical terms, for years.
The Germans have one breakfast worth calling out specifically: Feuerwehr Frühstück (firefighter’s breakfast). While it was not common everywhere in Germany, in Lower Saxony it was a special occasion. Firefighter’s breakfast used the same hard rolls but the topping was (drumroll please) raw hamburger meat, slices of onion, and spicy mustard. This was a breakfast my research lab would have on days of someone’s final report. If you showed up late, it wasn’t tough to deduce that someone had a final report that day. Just… something in the air.
The Spanish, I’m afraid to say, are living their best lives. Most of the world has an unwritten rule that sugar-fueled breakfasts are not intended for fully grown adults. Not so in Spain. You can walk past any café and see a 50-year-old man in a suit reading a financial newspaper and eating a chocolate-filled croissant with a knife and fork, or dipping a sugar-topped muffin into a saucer of milk.
This may also be the reason that they have a second breakfast before lunch. My wife would frown but ultimately agree: there is a bit of Hobbit culture around here.
On our first visit to Platte, she and I were ordering from Shorty’s infamous breakfast menu. A big fan of pancakes after a visit to an IHOP in Los Angeles, she was debating between one or three pancakes. When my dad gestured to a neighboring table and explained that you need a shovel to flip the pancakes, she decided one might be enough. This was not a fluffy West Coast affair. Shorty’s is our fireman’s breakfast. Not everyone can handle it.
Midwestern Europe: Volume 1 with the first 52 entries in this series is available now on Amazon US, Spain, and Germany in hardcover, paperback, and Kindle formats!
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Shorty’s Bar in Platte, South Dakota is one of the Midwest’s finest greasy spoon restaurants. In 2012, it burned to the ground and was resurrected within a year. An absolute staple of the community, now in its third generation of ownership. (Oh, and my dad was nearly run over by a car which smashed through the front window when he was in high school.)